The Pursuer Distancer Pattern - How to manage it, stay connected and reduce the turbulence...

By Madonna Hirning, Psychologist and Certified Gottman Therapist

Understanding the Pursuer Distancer Pattern

There is a common dynamic that can emerge in relationships that is known as the pursuer distancer pattern. There may be one partner who is more often the one to raise issues with a desire to talk about their feelings and work through the issue together. On the other hand their partner may prefer to avoid conflict wherever possible and may see expression of emotions, the raising of issues, or their partner wanting to talk about the relationship as being likely to lead to conflict. This can lead the partner on the receiving end of the issues or feelings being raised to quickly dismiss them, deny that they are problems or sometimes, simply go quiet and not engage in the conversation in the hope that it may be soon be over and they can feel back on safer ground. 

There is a paradox in couple dynamics where conflict avoidance (whilst very understandable and a nice thing to seek in theory) actually leads to increasing conflict and more rapid escalation in relationships. By the distancer dismissing the issue, shutting down  (stonewalling) or moving away from their partner, the person raising the issue (the pursuer) is then faced with a tricky choice. They either let the issue go and at the same time try and let go of the feelings or deeper reason behind why they were wanting to talk about the issue or they continue to pursue and escalate the issue to try and get their partner’s engagement. If the pursuer drops the topic they can be fairly sure that their partner is probably not going to raise the topic again any time soon. This means they need to accept that it won’t get talked about. The problem with this route is that over many exposures of this happening, hurt and resentment start to build for the pursuer. This is likely to move them towards escalating the topic in the moment and not being willing to just drop it. This compounding resentment often also spills over into other areas of the relationship. If the pursuer does escalate the topic to force engagement with the distancer it is likely to go badly and become an argument.  By this point the pursuer’s indigence at being dismissed or stonewalled by their partner when in their mind they were trying to improve the relationship or share something important about themselves has likely pushed them into a flooded state and they just want to say all the things in the hope their partner might finally understand. 

What is Physiological Flooding and How to Manage It?

Flooding is what we call the physiological response we have to conflict with our partner where our heart rate spikes upwards and we find all the words tumbling out (often not the best words!). Once we are flooded, our perception becomes very fixed on our own internal experience of the conflict. We may find ourselves saying different versions of the same thing over and over in the hope that our partner will suddenly hug us and say they can see what we were trying to say (except this almost never happens!). The physiology of the person stonewalling – shutting down from their partner in conflict and saying nothing – is actually somewhat similar but manifests differently. The Gottman research has shown that shutdown during conflict is usually also accompanied by a higher than usual heart rate and the internal thoughts of the person stonewalling might be something like “it’s only going to get worse, I just need this to stop” or “there is nothing I can say or do here that is going to make this better. They’re just not listening to me. It needs to stop. I’m just going to stop”. The hard thing about this is that as much as the pursuer wants to talk things out, once they are flooded it is best to stop and take a break to self soothe (helpful hint - never tell your partner they need to calm down!).  Some couples have a code word for needing to take a break, others find it helpful to use “I” statements, eg “I need a break” or “I’m feeling flooded”. However in order for the pursuer to take the break they really need they have to be able to trust that their conflict avoidant partner will willingly have the conversation at a later time (I know it goes against the grain but it actually can really help if the distancer starts actively coming back and initiating the conversation again after the break).

The Negative Spiral

The unfortunate thing about this dynamic is that each outcome reinforces the negative cycle. When the pursuer pursues and escalates the conversation to force engagement it reinforces the distancer’s belief that conflict or deeper conversations are always a negative experience to be avoided at all costs. Over time they become less and less likely to engage in what they perceive to be emotional conversations or around the issues being raised by their partner. On the other hand the more the distancer avoids engaging in conversations about the relationship or their partner’s feelings, the more sad, angry and resentful the pursuer becomes. The pursuer may become quick to escalate and attempt to hold their partner in a conversation against their will, because if not now then when? Over time both become increasingly lonely, disconnected and isolated in the relationship. 

The Distancing

Eventually the pursuer may stop pursuing at all because the increasing instability is hard on everyone. At first the distancer may find a certain relief in their partner pursuing less – it can feel like peace. At this point however, neither are sharing their inner world with each other and over time the loneliness grows like a widening wedge between them. Left unchecked this wedge and distancing can open the door to some form of betrayal occurring in the relationship or to the relationship simply eventually ending. 

Does this sound like a sad story? It really is!  

It doesn’t have to be though if both members in the couple are prepared to take responsibility for their part in the dynamic and engage differently to create a different pattern between them.

What To Do If You’re Caught in a Pursuer Distancer Pattern

What can each person caught in a Pursuer/Distancer dynamic do to help break this negative spiral?

The  biggest thing that BOTH partners can do is to begin to identify their own emotional distress and practice self-soothing when they feel it rising. This really helps manage escalation. The pursuer can begin to be more aware of their approach and recognise that words and tone really matter. Take some breaths, go slow, and project warmth. If it is a relationship issue, avoid “you always” or “you never” statements. It can help to look for opportunities to share responsibility for the issues raised and also to give some grace or benefit of the doubt and focus on your feelings and what it is you need as opposed to what you don’t like. Also, allow the conversation to come to a close.

The distancer can remind themselves of the relationship paradox of opposites – that trying to shut down or avoid the conversation will ultimately make things worse – so they can instead LEAN IN.  Manage the urge to speed it up, dismiss or walk away - breathe through it. Be curious, maintain positive body language, manage the urge to go to defensiveness, ask questions, speak to what you can acknowledge and understand and why. Also (trust me, this is important), if your partner is sharing stress or emotions about their day or interactions with others, don’t jump straight in to try and solve the problem for them (super tempting but not what they’re looking for!). Again, ask questions, repeat what you hear them saying and acknowledge their experience - for example, “I hate it when that happens” or “that sounds so frustrating”.

Being caught in the downward spiral of this pattern feels hopeless but it’s not. It’s a careful calibration, respect of individual needs and awareness of each other’s perspective. As a reformed pursuer myself I can’t  tell you the joy that can come from realising by working together and by each doing different things, you can create a whole new pattern!